Dan Greene's Brilliance Propels Justice to Semifinals

There are games that you watch and forget about an hour after they are played. Then there are those that you will remember for ages. Tonight was the latter, and Dan Greene was the first, second, and third star of the game as his "Wildcat" positioning completely baffled the entire Zeebs roster and coaching staff. Greene was mostly quiet on the chirping front, but chose to lead the charge with his play out on the ice. Danny G recorded a hatty with three highlight goals, leaving everybody (including the refs) starstruck out there. What made the performance by Dan even better than the stats indicate was the Kane-like cellys after his goals. After looking in the mirror, we got a quote from Captain Reid Kashmanian on Greene's performance out there. "Man, that guy fuckin played with heart out there. Seriously. Kid just went off out there and made the Zeebs his bitch. His compete level was higher than I've ever seen. Playoff hockey is when you want your best players to take over the game. He did just that. That being said, a part of me thinks he just wanted to show off for his fans at the game."

The fans being referenced are 2L's Alexandra Martinez and Selbie Jason. This was the first time in Justice history that fans from all three years were in attendance to support the team. We asked #JoeyEh about how the fans impacted the outcome during the post-game press conference. His thoughts, "They cheered their hearts out ya know. Thought I heard someone grab a cowbell too eh. Probably is what got Danny G to rev his wheels and put the biscuit in the basket as often as he did eh." They weren't the only diehard fans in the stands though. The 3L fans (being referred to as the "Daddy's Girls") and the 1L fans (being referred to as "fuckin 1L's") cheered on their favorite team as well.

As for the stat sheet, Justice prevailed by a score of 8-2. It was a dominating performance from all 13 players out there. The depth up front wore down the Zeebs defense while Dan Neer had another stellar performance in net. Before the game, Neer was spotted throwing away his neckguard. We asked him why he was just throwing away a piece of goalie equipment, "Don't fucking need it. You see this beard? Yeah, that's all the protection I need. Only protection I need in life anywhere is hair." Neer went on about protection and not needing it in any situation. Honestly, it got a little inappropriate, hence that part of the quote is not in the recap. That being said, his stacked-pad save at the beginning of the second half demoralized the Zeebs as they never really had sustained offense throughout the game.

Danny G led the way with three goals while Tomas Fleischmann, Will Doerr, Pete Pappysomething, Joe "CrossFit" Gattuso, and Captain Reid Kashmanian also found the back of the net. No, that was not a typo. The captain did in fact score, bringing his shooting percentage from the last 3 games up from 0.0% to 0.4%. After his goal, Kashmanian went on to hit the post 2 times and miss on another breakaway to drop his shooting percentage to an embarrassing 0.18%.

With the win, Justice moves onto the Semifinals to play Team Iceland at 8pm on Monday, November 17th. There will be a lot of tension in the rink, with some of it possibly being sexual. Come out and support your favorite team.

We have below 2 of the goals scored by Greene, courtesy of the team media coordinator.

Make sure to follow the team Twitter account @SUCOLhockey to get the latest news and updates about your favorite team.

Justice's "Fancy Stats"

Our friends over at The Hockey Movement have found a way to run "fancy stats" for team's like ours. So, I stayed up all night and ran the numbers to see who our "leader" is for each stat. This isn't Corsi or anything like that... it's way more important and better:

Points Per Ache (PPA)- Considering we had a player miss a game from a neck injury sustained while shampooing his hair, I think this stat could say a lot about a player’s worth to our team. Relative PPA measures how many people in that player’s family are also in pain that day.

Winner: Joe Gattuso

Fonzi- The average attendance of our game is made up of new girlfriends, bored children and curious octogenarian parents. But these fans are integral to making our games feel important and boosting our egos. That’s why the Fonzi was developed. It measures how many spectators a player brings to each game.

Winner: Reid Kashmanian

Rap Sheet Percentage- It’s an established fact that every beer league team needs one hardened criminal on the bench. Using a team’s Rap Sheet Percentage you can quickly determine how much of the team is made up of seedy characters. Also gaining popularity is the Face Tat Percentage.

Winner: Loch Ness Pronster

Dogging on Teammates (DOT)- Chirping at the other team is a useful exercise and has its advantages. But it’s more important to keep your teammates in check and remind them how bad they are at hockey or at managing their life. DOT catalogs how much you tastefully chirp your own teammates on the bench, in the locker room or over email.

Winner: Dan Greene

WTF- Like PDO this stat doesn’t really stand for anything. It tracks how much hockey jargon a player can spout while on the bench of any given game. Advanced statisticians are looking for things like “Way to go bar down, bud” and “Get off the ice, ya duster” or “Let’s run a strong overload, make sure not to get sucked down too far though, try to follow an umbrella pattern” and “Cycle! Cycle! Cycle!”

Winner: Joey Ameilia

Suds Delivered- Arguably the most vital stat. It tracks how much beer a player brings to a game.

No Winner... Everyone needs to step this up

Puck Hogging Percentage (PHP)- A truly valuable men’s league player will go above and beyond to try to carry the puck through at least 2-3 opposing players at a time, especially if there is an open teammate up the ice waiting for a pass. PHP tracks the amount of times a player carries the puck when better passing options were available.

Winner: Dan Greene

Excuses Per Game (EPG)- How many excuses do your team mates generate per game? You know they’ll play bad if the excuses start before they even get on the ice. We’ve all heard the, “I ate too much turkey, might be a little slow out there.”

Winner: Wes Gerrie

Apologies Per Game (APG)- “My bad,” “Oh sorry about that,” and “Sorry didn’t see you wide open, back door, while I tried to dangle 3 guys.”

Winner: Joey Amelia

Beverages Consumed while Dressing (BCD)- While Suds Delivered is important to track, we also should keep stats on total BCD. This tracks suds consumed immediately prior to hitting the ice, which can be extremely important during tournaments.

Winner: Pete Pappy

Line Trip Percentage (LTP)- More common in the beginner level leagues LTP tracks the percentage of times a guy trips over the blue or red line while entering a zone. In the higher men’s league the LTP usually increases with BCD.

Winner: Caleb Merrill

4th period minutes played- Tracking the players who stay in the locker room longest post game. For the team waiting to use this dressing room it can negatively effect some players BCD, but also increase the EPG because the players had to rush to get dressed.

Winner: Wes Gerrie

Extended Shifts Taken (EST)- Let’s be honest, we all want to play a little hockey, but there are some guys who think they should be on longer than others. You’re average mens league shift should be about 45 seconds, maybe 1 minute. EST tracks the extended shifts that some guys take. Every second past 45 seconds is tallied.

Winner: Reid Kashmanian

Glory Day References (GDR)- The number of times per game a player reminisces about “that one game” or how good he used to be.

Winner: Danny Neer

Goals During Warmups (GDWu)- useful for the player that needs to start warm-ups by doing his/her best penalty shot, triple deke move on a cold goalie still trying to adjust his jock.

Winner: David Fleischmann

Blind Pass Percentage (BPP)- the number of Blind Passes divided by number of solid tape to tape passes.

Winner: Andrew Stewart

Autographs Per Game (APG)- the leader is the guy who is always getting swarmed once they get off the ice. Always a fan favorite and usually your girlfriend's favorite player.

Winner: Mikey Bryant

Justice Rattles Zeebs in Regular Season Finale

In most games, Justice just outworks and out talents the opposition. But tonight, the team engaged in mental warfare, and in the process completely rattled the Zeebs on their way to a 7-2 victory. It was a simple process as Justice jumped out to a 6-0 first half lead thanks to two goals from mustache-less Dan Greene and Celine Dion super fan Joey Ameilia, as well as tallies from the reincarnation of Ray Bourque, Andrew Stewart, and team goon Caleb Merril. And as always, tendy Danny Neer put on a goaltending clinic, stopping the one shot against him that period. His instructional video will be available for purchase by Christmas. Keep checking Twitter for all the info. We might be raffling off a copy that comes with a tin autographed by Neer.

By the sixth goal, the Zeebs were at each other's throats. Their team captain was overheard yelling at his goalie after the fifth goal, "I'm not going to invite you to my birthday party." This caused the tendy to respond, "that's fine because I'm going to have a sick piñata that's filled with Natty Lights." Obviously, this put the captain over the edge. So, once the tendy allowed the sixth goal towards the end of the period, this transpired:



It was safe to say that at this point, Justice was in the Zeebs' heads. The game was practically over, and the opposition could no longer handle the Justice offense. So, to open up the second half, the Zebbs goalie responded in the only way he knew how:



Luckily for the Zeebs, Reid Kashmanian was unable to convert on his 49th breakaway of the game. If my calculations are correct, Captain Ka$h hasn't scored since the Carter administration. (For the love of God, Reid, get a new stick!)

With the Zeeb goalie not giving a crap, the Zeebs decided to take their super-frat anger out on each other:




As expected, Merrill wanted to get in on the action. So, towards the end of the game he picked a fight with the biggest, baddest, and frattiest guy on the Zeebs. It was a bloodbath:



The team has been playing its best hockey of late, having won three straight games heading into the playoffs. So, make sure to buy your playoff ticket packages ASAP! More info will be available on Twitter.

Discounts will be given to those who can complete all of the following tasks:
- Bench press more than Joe Gattuso
- Pick a fight with Wes Gerrie and win
- Find the Loch Ness Pronster (pictures needed)
- Teach Fleishmann 10 swear words in English
- Find three animals (dead or alive) in Neer's beard
- Say the word "eh" more than #JoeyEh over a 30 second conversation with him
- Challenge Reid to a drinking contest and win
- Have Stew give you a piggy back ride through Dineen Hall
- Take a picture of Danny G in the library
- Spell Pappy's last name correctly and then say it 10 times fast without messing up
- Set up a cage match between current goon Caleb Merrill and former goon Max Horowitz
- Create a shrine of Jeff Monahan in the atrium of Dineen Hall

See you all out there!