Dan Greene's Brilliance Propels Justice to Semifinals

There are games that you watch and forget about an hour after they are played. Then there are those that you will remember for ages. Tonight was the latter, and Dan Greene was the first, second, and third star of the game as his "Wildcat" positioning completely baffled the entire Zeebs roster and coaching staff. Greene was mostly quiet on the chirping front, but chose to lead the charge with his play out on the ice. Danny G recorded a hatty with three highlight goals, leaving everybody (including the refs) starstruck out there. What made the performance by Dan even better than the stats indicate was the Kane-like cellys after his goals. After looking in the mirror, we got a quote from Captain Reid Kashmanian on Greene's performance out there. "Man, that guy fuckin played with heart out there. Seriously. Kid just went off out there and made the Zeebs his bitch. His compete level was higher than I've ever seen. Playoff hockey is when you want your best players to take over the game. He did just that. That being said, a part of me thinks he just wanted to show off for his fans at the game."

The fans being referenced are 2L's Alexandra Martinez and Selbie Jason. This was the first time in Justice history that fans from all three years were in attendance to support the team. We asked #JoeyEh about how the fans impacted the outcome during the post-game press conference. His thoughts, "They cheered their hearts out ya know. Thought I heard someone grab a cowbell too eh. Probably is what got Danny G to rev his wheels and put the biscuit in the basket as often as he did eh." They weren't the only diehard fans in the stands though. The 3L fans (being referred to as the "Daddy's Girls") and the 1L fans (being referred to as "fuckin 1L's") cheered on their favorite team as well.

As for the stat sheet, Justice prevailed by a score of 8-2. It was a dominating performance from all 13 players out there. The depth up front wore down the Zeebs defense while Dan Neer had another stellar performance in net. Before the game, Neer was spotted throwing away his neckguard. We asked him why he was just throwing away a piece of goalie equipment, "Don't fucking need it. You see this beard? Yeah, that's all the protection I need. Only protection I need in life anywhere is hair." Neer went on about protection and not needing it in any situation. Honestly, it got a little inappropriate, hence that part of the quote is not in the recap. That being said, his stacked-pad save at the beginning of the second half demoralized the Zeebs as they never really had sustained offense throughout the game.

Danny G led the way with three goals while Tomas Fleischmann, Will Doerr, Pete Pappysomething, Joe "CrossFit" Gattuso, and Captain Reid Kashmanian also found the back of the net. No, that was not a typo. The captain did in fact score, bringing his shooting percentage from the last 3 games up from 0.0% to 0.4%. After his goal, Kashmanian went on to hit the post 2 times and miss on another breakaway to drop his shooting percentage to an embarrassing 0.18%.

With the win, Justice moves onto the Semifinals to play Team Iceland at 8pm on Monday, November 17th. There will be a lot of tension in the rink, with some of it possibly being sexual. Come out and support your favorite team.

We have below 2 of the goals scored by Greene, courtesy of the team media coordinator.

Make sure to follow the team Twitter account @SUCOLhockey to get the latest news and updates about your favorite team.

Justice's "Fancy Stats"

Our friends over at The Hockey Movement have found a way to run "fancy stats" for team's like ours. So, I stayed up all night and ran the numbers to see who our "leader" is for each stat. This isn't Corsi or anything like that... it's way more important and better:

Points Per Ache (PPA)- Considering we had a player miss a game from a neck injury sustained while shampooing his hair, I think this stat could say a lot about a player’s worth to our team. Relative PPA measures how many people in that player’s family are also in pain that day.

Winner: Joe Gattuso

Fonzi- The average attendance of our game is made up of new girlfriends, bored children and curious octogenarian parents. But these fans are integral to making our games feel important and boosting our egos. That’s why the Fonzi was developed. It measures how many spectators a player brings to each game.

Winner: Reid Kashmanian

Rap Sheet Percentage- It’s an established fact that every beer league team needs one hardened criminal on the bench. Using a team’s Rap Sheet Percentage you can quickly determine how much of the team is made up of seedy characters. Also gaining popularity is the Face Tat Percentage.

Winner: Loch Ness Pronster

Dogging on Teammates (DOT)- Chirping at the other team is a useful exercise and has its advantages. But it’s more important to keep your teammates in check and remind them how bad they are at hockey or at managing their life. DOT catalogs how much you tastefully chirp your own teammates on the bench, in the locker room or over email.

Winner: Dan Greene

WTF- Like PDO this stat doesn’t really stand for anything. It tracks how much hockey jargon a player can spout while on the bench of any given game. Advanced statisticians are looking for things like “Way to go bar down, bud” and “Get off the ice, ya duster” or “Let’s run a strong overload, make sure not to get sucked down too far though, try to follow an umbrella pattern” and “Cycle! Cycle! Cycle!”

Winner: Joey Ameilia

Suds Delivered- Arguably the most vital stat. It tracks how much beer a player brings to a game.

No Winner... Everyone needs to step this up

Puck Hogging Percentage (PHP)- A truly valuable men’s league player will go above and beyond to try to carry the puck through at least 2-3 opposing players at a time, especially if there is an open teammate up the ice waiting for a pass. PHP tracks the amount of times a player carries the puck when better passing options were available.

Winner: Dan Greene

Excuses Per Game (EPG)- How many excuses do your team mates generate per game? You know they’ll play bad if the excuses start before they even get on the ice. We’ve all heard the, “I ate too much turkey, might be a little slow out there.”

Winner: Wes Gerrie

Apologies Per Game (APG)- “My bad,” “Oh sorry about that,” and “Sorry didn’t see you wide open, back door, while I tried to dangle 3 guys.”

Winner: Joey Amelia

Beverages Consumed while Dressing (BCD)- While Suds Delivered is important to track, we also should keep stats on total BCD. This tracks suds consumed immediately prior to hitting the ice, which can be extremely important during tournaments.

Winner: Pete Pappy

Line Trip Percentage (LTP)- More common in the beginner level leagues LTP tracks the percentage of times a guy trips over the blue or red line while entering a zone. In the higher men’s league the LTP usually increases with BCD.

Winner: Caleb Merrill

4th period minutes played- Tracking the players who stay in the locker room longest post game. For the team waiting to use this dressing room it can negatively effect some players BCD, but also increase the EPG because the players had to rush to get dressed.

Winner: Wes Gerrie

Extended Shifts Taken (EST)- Let’s be honest, we all want to play a little hockey, but there are some guys who think they should be on longer than others. You’re average mens league shift should be about 45 seconds, maybe 1 minute. EST tracks the extended shifts that some guys take. Every second past 45 seconds is tallied.

Winner: Reid Kashmanian

Glory Day References (GDR)- The number of times per game a player reminisces about “that one game” or how good he used to be.

Winner: Danny Neer

Goals During Warmups (GDWu)- useful for the player that needs to start warm-ups by doing his/her best penalty shot, triple deke move on a cold goalie still trying to adjust his jock.

Winner: David Fleischmann

Blind Pass Percentage (BPP)- the number of Blind Passes divided by number of solid tape to tape passes.

Winner: Andrew Stewart

Autographs Per Game (APG)- the leader is the guy who is always getting swarmed once they get off the ice. Always a fan favorite and usually your girlfriend's favorite player.

Winner: Mikey Bryant

Justice Rattles Zeebs in Regular Season Finale

In most games, Justice just outworks and out talents the opposition. But tonight, the team engaged in mental warfare, and in the process completely rattled the Zeebs on their way to a 7-2 victory. It was a simple process as Justice jumped out to a 6-0 first half lead thanks to two goals from mustache-less Dan Greene and Celine Dion super fan Joey Ameilia, as well as tallies from the reincarnation of Ray Bourque, Andrew Stewart, and team goon Caleb Merril. And as always, tendy Danny Neer put on a goaltending clinic, stopping the one shot against him that period. His instructional video will be available for purchase by Christmas. Keep checking Twitter for all the info. We might be raffling off a copy that comes with a tin autographed by Neer.

By the sixth goal, the Zeebs were at each other's throats. Their team captain was overheard yelling at his goalie after the fifth goal, "I'm not going to invite you to my birthday party." This caused the tendy to respond, "that's fine because I'm going to have a sick piñata that's filled with Natty Lights." Obviously, this put the captain over the edge. So, once the tendy allowed the sixth goal towards the end of the period, this transpired:



It was safe to say that at this point, Justice was in the Zeebs' heads. The game was practically over, and the opposition could no longer handle the Justice offense. So, to open up the second half, the Zebbs goalie responded in the only way he knew how:



Luckily for the Zeebs, Reid Kashmanian was unable to convert on his 49th breakaway of the game. If my calculations are correct, Captain Ka$h hasn't scored since the Carter administration. (For the love of God, Reid, get a new stick!)

With the Zeeb goalie not giving a crap, the Zeebs decided to take their super-frat anger out on each other:




As expected, Merrill wanted to get in on the action. So, towards the end of the game he picked a fight with the biggest, baddest, and frattiest guy on the Zeebs. It was a bloodbath:



The team has been playing its best hockey of late, having won three straight games heading into the playoffs. So, make sure to buy your playoff ticket packages ASAP! More info will be available on Twitter.

Discounts will be given to those who can complete all of the following tasks:
- Bench press more than Joe Gattuso
- Pick a fight with Wes Gerrie and win
- Find the Loch Ness Pronster (pictures needed)
- Teach Fleishmann 10 swear words in English
- Find three animals (dead or alive) in Neer's beard
- Say the word "eh" more than #JoeyEh over a 30 second conversation with him
- Challenge Reid to a drinking contest and win
- Have Stew give you a piggy back ride through Dineen Hall
- Take a picture of Danny G in the library
- Spell Pappy's last name correctly and then say it 10 times fast without messing up
- Set up a cage match between current goon Caleb Merrill and former goon Max Horowitz
- Create a shrine of Jeff Monahan in the atrium of Dineen Hall

See you all out there!

Justice Wins and Moves into 2nd Place

Monday's matchup was for 2nd place in the SUIHL and it really lived up to the pre-game hype. Goalie Dan Neer stole the show as Justice pulled off a 4-3 victory over Team Iceland. The play the energized Justice in the 2nd half came when Iceland rifled a bomb and Neer stopped it with his Adam's apple. When asked why he didn't use any of his protected body parts to make the save, he said "To be honest, my beard is pretty f'in thick right now. I figured that it would act like an old Itech neck guard. That being said, my throat is killing me. Probably should head to the hospital and not say anything else." After the game, Neer went to the closest bar and blacked out.

The goals from Justice were scored by #JoeyEh (twice), Tomas "David" Fleischmann, and Andrew "Stew" Stewart, the latter going top cheddar. Monday also featured the newest member of Justice, 1L Moira Ferguson who brought a level of tenacity that has been absent the past couple games. Captain Reid Kashmanian was asked after the game for his opinion on her performance, but was still hunched over gasping for air after a 5 minute shift to end the game. We will get back to him later in the week.

Final note from the game is obviously the ravenous fans in the stands cheering on Justice. Pete Pappyanakos told us at the intermission "I'm digging deep and giving my all out there. Gotta show heart for the fans. Not to mention I got two of their numbers during an icing."

With the win, Justice has taken over 2nd place and will look to secure that seed next Monday at 7pm.

Here is the injury that Neer suffered with the neck save, although he continued to play after throwing in a quick grizzly bomb.

***WARNING: THIS VIDEO MIGHT NOT BE SUITABLE FOR THOSE AFRAID OF NEEDLES AND EXCESSIVE BLOOD***

Greene's Mustache Propels Justice to 9-3 Victory

After last week's loss, Assistant Captain Dan Greene knew that he had to step up. No, he didn't put in extra time on the ice or in the gym. And no, he didn't watch extra film or give his team a big pump-up speech. Instead, he pulled out his razor and shaved his grizzly beard into a mustache. "I had to do something to keep everyone's mind off of last week's fluke," said Greene. "So I found a way to have them focus on my face... for better or worse." The muzzy worked for the veteran 2L as he potted a Bobby Orr type goal (if you don't know what we're talking about, first get out of here, and second, check out the video here).

The team was also inspired by the 'stache, especially 1L David Fleishman who sniped three goals on the evening. All three of the goals were definitely highlight reel material, filled with dangles and bar down snipes. "The tendy was giving me very little space, so I had to find the small spots over his shoulders," said Fleishman (obviously through an interpreter). "That guy was definitely one of the best netminders in the league, so I had to bring my 'A' game." Fleishman was seen pre-game massaging and caressing his stick, which is probably the reason he had such a great game.

In other team news, 3L Caleb Merrill scored a hat trick tonight in one shift... but not your traditional hat trick. Towards the end of the game, Merrill missed an empty net, hooked a guy, and was on the ice for the opposing team's goal. He's the first Justice hockey player to record such a feat since former goon Max Horowitz pulled the trick last season.

And congrats to 1L Wes Gerrie on his first career goal. While it was a nasty gino, it was Gerrie's celly that stole the show. Don't worry, some fans caught it on tape:





***Ok, but seriously, the other team did not have a goalie and played 6-on-5 the entire game. Whatever, we're all beauties and that's all that matters.

Justice Mic'd Up

Despite the loss last night, we were able to get some amazing sound bites from a few of the players during the game:

***WARNING: this video may not be suitable for children or soccer players***

Justice Drops First Game of the Season

The Justice fell 4-1 last night in a tough game against rival team Goldberg in front of a crowd slightly larger than that attending the Senators-Panthers game yesterday. The lone Justice goal was scored by newly acquired first year Will Doerr. After the game, Will told reporters, "I wasn't gonna let that clown in net get a shutout. Had to get that doughnut off the scoreboard. Looking forward to playing them in the playoffs"

In addition to Justice winning the second half of the game 1-0, assistant captain Danny Neer (Up for biggest beauty on the team) skated out and brought composure to the forward group. His inspiring words at the intermission brought new life to the team. Neer commented on the heart that Pete Pappyanakos showed blocking a clapper from the slot with his knee, "What the hell was that? Poor form going into the slide there. He needed to bring more finesse to the entry. I'll work on that with him before next week."

This marked the first regular season loss for Justice since week 4 of the 2013 Fall season. Your favorite team returns on Monday with vengeance in mind. 

Sad point streak note: Last night ended a streak of 26 games where either #JoeyEh or Reid Ka$hmanian recorded a point. Both vow to put up 4 points each next game

1L's Shine in 8-1 Shellacking

While it was "Joey Eh Night," it was the other Joe, Joe Gattuso, who shined tonight as he netted his first two career goals in the blowout victory. Last week, Gattuso made his team debut as a defenseman, but played forward tonight showing his versatility. "The puck just seems to follow me where ever I go," said Gattuso while curling 75-pound dumbbells in the parking lot after the game with his shirt off. "Scoring is just in my blood."

(Joey Eh scored a hat trick tonight, but nobody cares since he's losing the beauty poll.)

Also showing his versatility was Tomas "David" Fleischmann, who moved back to defense tonight in place of Gattuso and did a very solid job. "During my time in the NHL I always asked my coaches to try me at D, but they never listened," said Fleischmann through his Czech interpreter. "I think I proved tonight that I'm the Czech version of Nicklas Lidstrom." This will be key for Fleischmann when he runs for 2L class president next year.

In Wes Gerrie news, he shiver armed a guy in the offensive corner. It was probably the biggest goon play of the year. "I set a record in junior hockey," said Gerrie proudly on the car ride home. "I'm the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab somebody."

Andrew Stewart tallied his first career goal tonight, showing off his dangles in the process. Usually known from his big clap-bomb from the point, he decided to display his smooth skating and puck-handling skills for the nicest goal of the evening. "Let the film speak for itself," said Stew. So, yeah, let's do that:

This Guy Is Singing The National Anthem Tomorrow Night

Mark Donnelly possess all of the important qualities our team has: strong skating ability; a great singing voice; a never-give-up attitude; and great hair.

This is why we are honored to have this beauty belt out the Canadian national anthem tomorrow night at 7pm. There's no need for a pre-game speech when you have this guy.

Joey Eh's Music Video Debut

Who knew that Joey was multi-talented?! A stud hockey player AND rap artist?! What a beauty (but seriously, how has nobody voted for him for biggest beauty on the team?).

Here's Joey's multi-platinum song featuring some of his Canadian buddies from home.

***WARNING: Song contains 4-letter words, so it may not be suitable for children or 1L's.

Captain Ka$h Comes Through In The Clutch

When the game is tied late in the game, teams always look to their leaders to step up and make a difference. Well, 3L Reid Kashmanian, the man with the "C," stepped up for the boys tonight with a late goal to propel the SUCOL Hockey team to a 4-3 win over the Jagr Bombs. The game-winner came on a broken play where Reid put on the burners, poked the puck around a defender, and then deked the aggressive Jagr Bombs goaltender before depositing the puck into the empty net. "I don't think I've skated that fast since '06," said Kashmanian after the game. "It must've been that extra anger after watching the Bills suck again yesterday."

The team then hung on for dear life with some key stops by 3L tendy Danny Neer and some team defense led by the physical play of the Loch Ness Pronster, and 1L's Andrew "Stew" Stewart and Wes "Wes" Gerrie. Stew's play was especially noticeable as he seemed to be more aggressive towards the end of the game. "If that game went into OT I was going to be pissed. I can't miss a second of the Pats game," said Stew as he ran out of the arena with his skates still on.

Everyone looked great tonight and definitely showed some improvement from last week. A huge difference in the team's performance this week was due to the season debut of 3L Caleb Merrill and the career debut of former prep school all-star and Crossfit aficionado Joe Gattuso. This allowed out-of-shape 2L's Dan Greene and Joey Amelia to tally a gino each. Joey credited his excellent performance this evening to the extra syrup and poutine he ate before the game.

But most importantly... THERE WAS A GIRL IN THE STANDS TONIGHT! No one would say if they knew her, but odds are that she showed up for our #MCM Mikey Bryant. Here's some footage:

Justice Served in Season Opener

The SUCOL Hockey team opened up the Fall 2014 season this past Monday night with a convincing 6-3 win over the Easton Fections, who was one of the better teams last season. It was a full team effort with a member of each class tallying a goal (Fleishman - 1L; Amelia - 2L; Pappy - 3L). Obviously, the team's off-season workout plan has already paid off. Everyone looked to be in great shape and everyone backchecked.

But, the real story of the game was the impeccable goaltending of 3L Danny Neer. The kid was absolutely lights out and only let in those three goals because he felt bad for the other team. What is the method to his madness? "Honestly, every time the other team comes down to my end I just close my eyes and pray that they miss the net," said Neer after the game. "This has been my technique since I was a squirt in B-ville, so if it ain't broke I don't plan on fixing it." 2L Dan Greene was asked to comment on Neer's play, but was unavailable since he was still catching his breath 30 minutes after the game.

Here are some of Neer's highlights from the victory:

Captain's Corner

Our mission this season is simple: Grow great flow like Erik Karlsson, wheel like Sean Avery, and celly like Patty Kane. All passes this year will be served with additional sauce. A majority of the goals we score will in fact be bar-down, so get your popcorn ready.  We will sign autographs for 15 minutes following each game for our great fans.

For assistant captains, Dan Greene and Dan Neer will be appointed to those positions. Both players possess the leadership skills and the clutch gene that are necessary for the role.